The 3 Flows of Compassion in Midlife: Why We Need Them All
Compassion comes up again and again in my work with midlife women — whether in 1:1 therapy or inside the Midlife Reclaimed community. This stage of life can feel heavy: shifting identities, caring for ageing parents or teenagers, navigating perimenopause, juggling work demands, and holding the invisible load at home.
Burnout is so common here. It’s not just exhaustion, but the quiet sense of being drained dry — pouring yourself out without being replenished. And one of the reasons I see burnout take hold so strongly in midlife is that the flows of compassion are out of balance.
What Is Compassion?
Compassion is a sensitivity to suffering (in ourselves or others), combined with a genuine motivation to ease it. It’s not pity. It’s not weakness. It’s courage and care in action.
Research in Compassion Focused Therapy shows compassion is deeply linked to mental health and wellbeing — calming the nervous system, lowering stress, building resilience, and fostering connection. In other words, it’s one of the antidotes to burnout.
The 3 Flows of Compassion
Compassion isn’t one-way. It flows in three directions:
Compassion to others – Offering care and kindness outward.
Compassion from others – Allowing yourself to receive support and kindness.
Self-compassion – Extending the same warmth you offer others back to yourself.
When all three flows are open, compassion becomes a renewable source of energy. But when one or two are blocked, the system gets depleted — and that’s when burnout creeps in.
Common Midlife Blocks
Here’s what I often see with midlife women:
Self-compassion blocks: Fears that it’s “selfish” or indulgent to be kind to yourself. The story says you should just push through.
Compassion from others blocks: Fears of being a burden, being rejected, or seen as “too needy.” Some women even block compassion from others because they don’t want to take away from someone else’s wellbeing — forgetting that offering compassion outward is often fulfilling for the giver, too.
Outward compassion: This one usually flows beautifully. Women give endlessly — to family, to work, to community. But here’s the catch: without replenishment through the other two flows, outward giving drains rather than nourishes.
Think of compassion as energy: without self-compassion and receiving from others, you end up pouring from an empty cup. And that’s the heart of burnout.
Steps to Reclaim Compassion’s Flow
To bring this to life, let’s imagine a simple scenario: A friend offers to drop off dinner because she knows you’ve had a stressful week.
Step 1. Know what compassion is.
It’s not pity or weakness. It’s care in action.
👉 In our scenario: Your friend’s offer is compassion from others. She sees your stress and wants to ease it.
Step 2. Observe your 3 flows.
Notice which feels easier, which feels blocked.
👉 In our scenario: You’d happily cook for her if roles were reversed (outward flow strong). But when she offers help? You hesitate.
Step 3. Reflect on barriers.
Ask: What’s the fear behind my hesitation?
👉 In our scenario: Perhaps the thought is: “I don’t want to seem weak or needy. She’s busy enough.”
Step 4. Know your why.
Choose your intent behind opening a flow.
👉 In our scenario: “If I allow myself to receive this dinner, I’ll feel less overwhelmed and have more capacity to show up for my family.”
💡 An important note here: While the flow of compassion is moving from your friend to you, notice that it also gives your friend the chance to act on their outward compassion — something that may feel deeply fulfilling for them. You’re not taking, you’re allowing. And it’s not your job to balance their flows — that’s theirs to tend to. Your role is to check in with what you need and respond honestly.
Step 5. Expect discomfort.
New patterns feel awkward before they feel natural. That’s not wrong — just unfamiliar.
👉 In our scenario: When you say yes, you may feel guilt rising. Use grounding skills (like noticing five things you can see, four you can feel, three you can hear…) to stay with it.
Step 6. Take small actions.
Compassion grows through practice.
👉 In our scenario: You accept the meal and send a genuine thank you, resisting the urge to “repay” immediately.
Step 7. Act first, feel later.
The sense of connection often comes after the act.
👉 In our scenario: That evening, as you eat the meal, relief settles in. You feel cared for. The awkwardness fades.
Moving Forward
This is just one example, but you can apply these steps anywhere compassion feels blocked — whether it’s saying something kind to yourself in a tough moment, or allowing support in without guilt.
Burnout thrives when we give without receiving. And for those in roles of constant care or responsibility, this can even tip into compassion fatigue — that drained, “nothing left to give” feeling. When compassion flows in all directions — to self, from others, and outward — we create balance, resilience, and a deeper sense of connection to self and others.
In Season 8 of the Midlife Reclaimed podcast, I’ll be joined by Dr. Stan Steindl — a clinical psychologist and expert in Compassion Focused Therapy — to dive deeper into this topic. Follow along wherever you get your podcasts so you don’t miss it.
🌻 Remember: compassion isn’t about doing more. It’s about letting care flow in all directions, so you can live with greater balance, connection, and ease.
✨ To reflect: Which of your flows feels most blocked right now — self, from others, or outward? And what’s one small action you could try this week to gently open it?